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Southern Football

Southern Football

Fall football season in the South is radically different from up North. For those who are planning a football trip in the South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie, Peyton & Eli Manning

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker.
While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern Football!!!!

Pass the cheese please .........

Up until last Friday, August 14th, I thought the worst piece of crap I'd ever seen on TV was that never-ending cheesy soap opera provided to our local viewers courtesy of Bart Durham; then I saw the debut of FOX's "Nashville", a supposed reality show with not one whit of reality.

Weird is as weird does .........

So billionaire luxury-hotel magnate Leona Helmsley left $12 million in her will to her dog, a tiny white Maltese named "Trouble."

What's even weirder to me and perhaps a bit ironic is that the dog is now worth more than Michael Vick!!

Okay, Okay, I admit it ...........

I figure that if Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt (who the hell is this guy, wasn't he the Duchy of Grand Fenwick in that Peter Sellers movie "The Mouse That Roared"?) can lay claim to fathering Anna Nicole's daughter, then so can I.

I admit it, I admit it........and I'll gladly take care of her (and her inheritance) in my retirement!!!

Dirty diapers .........

Concerning the non-rocket scientist astronaut lady who embarked on a 900 mile journey from Houston, Texas to Florida, armed with a BB gun, mallet, rope and wearing a diaper (so she wouldn't have to stop); I have one question. What the hell kind of car was she driving that logged up 900 miles on a single tank of gasoline?

"Black Betty".......

I always loved this song written by Hudie "Leadbelly" Ledbetter and made famous by Ram Jam. Now the Australian group Spiderbait takes a turn with their own interpretation.

Being a Cubs fan is not an easy task....

Alas, it is October once again and the Cubbies are at their respective homes watching the playoffs on TV. Here are some of the major events that have happened in the world since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series Championship:

1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose for the first time.

2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose for the first time.

3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.

6. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.

7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.

8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.

9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures; the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field's roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.

17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.

18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.

20. Alaska, Hawaii, Arizona, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.